Gen Z: It’s about time you joined the SLWBC.
Boomer: I’m not joining any political movements you’re associated with. Not after what happened with the statue in the harbour.
God, you’re such a Boomer. No, it’s the Stupidly Large Water Bottle Club. Seventy-nine per cent of Gen Z has one, which is why, in the words of Gaby from the comedy series Shrinking, we’re all DAF.
‘Desperate and Fidgeting’ because your bladder is so full?
No, ‘Dewy as F**k’. I’m in my glazed-donut hydration queen era.
Delighted for you! But lugging that thing around isn’t practical. It looks like a petrol canister, which can’t be helping sales figures.
Tell that to Stanley.
Johnson?
Shrinking’s Gaby looking ‘dewy’
Who? No, Stanley, the cup and bottle maker. It’s sold more than ten million of its £50, 1.2 litre Quencher cups.
1.2 litres?! No wonder Thames Water is in trouble if everyone’s filling those up.
They’re a fashion statement, duh. The baby-pink limited-edition one for Valentine’s Day? Adorbs. I got caught in a stampede trying to get mine on release day.
They’re hideous. I quite agree with The Times commentator: you’d draw less attention to yourself dragging a saline drip around on a trolley. I’ll pass.
That’s probably why you’re so shrivelled. I’ll set you up on TikTok. You’ve got to follow @getdressedwithjess. She has the cutest emotional-support water bottle.
What does it do, tell her she looks nice despite it being an inanimate object? I’ve got a husband for that, thanks all the same.
It holds a litre and a half of water and has little reminders to take a sip written across it: ‘Keep chugging!’ ‘Never give up!’ ‘You’ve got this, champ!’ Sometimes you just need the words of affirmation.
Your body will affirm to you when you need to hydrate. It’s called thirst. Anyway, I’m with water-bottle hater Hugh Grant on this one. Why are you lugging water around: you live in Southwest London, not the Sahara? Get a cup from the kitchen tap.
But tap water is the pits, even if it’s filtered from a Quooker. It’s all about sexy water now.
Is ‘sexy water’ another way of saying ‘gin and tonic’? I thought youngsters were dry, but if you’re getting through a litre and a half of G&T every day, you’re not beyond hope.
God, your gin obsession is triggering. No, sexy water is water that’s spruced up with loads of extra goodies.
Robinsons squash? Lemon Barley Water? I tried Berocca once, but it just turned my wee bright orange.
No, healthy stuff. If you want a good recipe, follow @kellygracemae, who’s got 113,000 followers. My favourite is water with cucumber, ice, mint, lemon and colostrum powder.
Colostrum? That’s from breast milk!
Is it? Mine’s from Bulk, £29.99 per bag. It’s why I’m so glowy.
It’s why you can’t afford a mortgage if you’re spending £50 on a water bottle and £30 on breast milk to put in it.
Have you ever thought your chronic dehydration might be contributing to your short temper? Not drinking enough water does lead to mood swings and anxiety, you know.
Back in my day, we survived on Ribena and second-hand cigarette smoke, and it never did me any harm. Anyway, if you are so concerned about my hydration you can lend me that mobile reservoir you lug around this weekend.
You see, it’s never too late for personal growth. You’re so ready to enter your hydration era.
Definitely! I’ve got book club at the weekend and that Stanley’s the perfect size to decant a bottle of Whispering Angel into and spice things up. I’ll be DAF by the time I’ve necked that.
Let me guess, dehydrated and fatigued?
Drunk and Flailing. Bottoms up!