After a child has a tantrum, the routine typically goes something like this: The parent gives them a timeout or sends them to their room. After the child calms down, they return to the tribe. Everything goes back to normal as though nothing happened.
If apologies are given, they're said quickly or in passing. This approach isn't harmful by any means, but it is woefully incomplete. Instead of being praised for regulating themselves, the child's success is ignored. Instead of having valid emotions acknowledged, they're dismissed.
As a clinical psychologist, I see this often, and it prevents kids from developing the skills required to process their feelings. They learn only to move on and pretend nothing happened.
To raise kids who are great at conflict resolution, do these five things:
1. Follow discipline with a calm, comforting debrief
Debriefing conversations should be gentle and happen after everyone has calmed down. In my experience, bedsheet forts and dark rooms with warm covers create the perfect vibe.
When structuring the conversation, I use a "what happened for you" approach in which each person takes turns describing what they observed, thought, and felt during the conflict while the other person looks for something to validate.
These debriefs are all about teaching children how to recognize and validate their feelings. Just because they were ineffective in managing them doesn't mean the emotions they experienced were bad or wrong. It might be appropriate for a child to feel guilty for acting out, but we never want them to feel ashamed of who they are or how they feel.
DON'T MISS: How to change careers and be happier at work
2. Let them take the lead
During these debriefs, I always let children go first, presuming they want to. This little gesture offers them a sense of control after having recently lost it.
If you use this approach, be prepared for your kid to wildly mischaracterize you and the situation in describing their perspective.
Orienting kids toward expressing what they were thinking and feeling during the conflict — as opposed to what you, the parent, were doing to provoke them — is one way to keep these debriefs from derailing into "he said, she said" debacles.
3. Listen compassionately and keep your cool
If you do correct a child's narrative — because it's just so off base — try to take an "I can see how it could have seemed that way" angle.
For example: "Honey, I didn't throw a basketball at you. I was driving on the highway, and there weren't any basketballs in the car. I can see, though, how my tone and words might have felt like a lot hitting you all at once. Did you feel like I was throwing a lot of hurt at you?"
Although you might disagree with some of the dramatic details your kiddo describes, you always want to try to identify and validate the child's emotions. "It hurts to feel like someone isn't listening to you, especially when it's your dad," or "I'd be frustrated, too, if I had to share a new toy with my sister."
4. Hold yourself accountable, too
Look for opportunities to apologize for any regrettable things you said or did during the conflict. And none of this "I'm sorry you felt that way" business.
Apologies should clearly describe what you did wrong, include the words I'm sorry, and end with thoughts on how you'll repair the relationship or change your behavior. If you can validate your emotions while taking responsibility for your behavior, you're really kicking butt.
For example: "I raised my voice more than I should have. I'm sorry for that. It's okay to feel angry; it's not okay to yell. Next time, I'll take a timeout when I start feeling that way." Remember, if you want your kids to take responsibility for their mistakes, you need to model how it's done.
5. Show them how you identify and articulate your emotions
After your kiddo has shared their perspective and you've validated their emotions, it's time to share "what happened for you."
Make a point to express what you were thinking and how you felt during the conflict. Try to identify emotions beyond frustration, annoyance or other shades of anger. Your kid already knows you were angry. You can mention it, fine, but try to paint yourself as more than just a cartoon character with steam coming out of their ears.
Examples include the following:
- "I was afraid someone was going to get hurt."
- "I was disappointed in myself for not knowing how to help you."
- "I was confused by your frustration."
Finally, encourage your kids to validate you by asking them questions like, "Does that make sense?" "Have you ever felt that way?" "Can you see how I got there?" Having just modeled validation in your conversation with them, this is as good a time as any to help them practice it.
You don't need to force the issue if they don't want to engage just yet. This exercise is less about getting you the validation you deserve, and more about providing the scaffolding for kids to develop the skills they need.
Caroline Fleck, PhD, is a licensed psychologist, corporate consultant, and Adjunct Clinical Instructor at Stanford University. She received a B.A. in psychology and English from the University of Michigan, and an M.A. and PhD from the Department of Psychology and Neuroscience at Duke.
Do you want a new career that's higher-paying, more flexible or fulfilling? Take CNBC's new online course How to Change Careers and Be Happier at Work. Expert instructors will teach you strategies to network successfully, revamp your resume and confidently transition into your dream career. Pre-register today and use coupon code EARLYBIRD for an introductory discount of 30% off $67 (+taxes and fees) through May 13, 2025.
This is an adapted excerpt from "Validation: How the Skill Set That Revolutionized Psychology Will Transform Your Relationships, Increase Your Influence, and Change Your Life" by Caroline Fleck. Copyright © 2025 by Caroline Fleck. Published by Avery.
