Want to raise children who are happy, fulfilled and self-motivated to succeed? Trust them more "and worry about them less," suggests neuropsychologist William Stixrud, co-author of "The Seven Principles for Raising a Self-Driven Child."
"It's stressful because it lowers your own sense of control [to] trust your kid to make a decision about something, even if you're giving your own best advice" to help inform their decisions, Stixrud said in a March 28 episode of the "Raising Good Humans" podcast. But ultimately, if you don't micro-manage your child, you'll make your own life less stressful and set them up for more happiness and success as adults, he added.
Fostering autonomy in kids and teens helps give them the confidence to be self-motivated to learn, try new things and, ultimately, achieve success, research shows. Kids and adults with confidence and self-motivation are more likely to set ambitious goals and pursue them without giving up, pushing them toward future success, child psychologist Tovah Klein told CNBC Make It in 2023.
"We want our kids to be motivated because success in life, in the business world, in the arts world and anything, has to come from some internal motivation," said Klein.
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If you struggle to relinquish control, start by empowering your kids to make some easy decisions — like what to wear to school, or which chores they'll complete — that they don't need you for, Stixrud advised. Once they've made those decisions, praise their good judgment.
"Think about yourself as a consultant," said Stixrud. "You offer help and advice without forcing it."
As children age, give them autonomy to make more serious decisions, like whether they need a tutor for a tough academic subject, Stixrud said. Include them in conversations about other decisions you need to make about them: Ask for their opinions and desires, talk through what they want to achieve, and use their input to weigh your options.
"[Your] mission is not to make sure that they turn out a certain way or that they always do well, [but] to help them figure out who they want to be, what kind of life they want and how to create the life that they want," said Stixrud. "So that they can ultimately run their own life before they leave home."
You might fear that autonomy brings entitlement, or that giving your child more control risks putting them in uncomfortable positions that they can't handle.
But raising a self-driven child doesn't mean they "get to be the boss of everything, [or] that a 5-year-old kid never has to do anything they don't want to do," Stixrud said. "There's ways of encouraging kids to do things, supporting kids to do things they don't feel like doing because they're important."
Stixrud shared three tips for parents to build confidence in their children while setting clear, healthy expectations:
1. Don't fight, prioritize connection
Connecting with your child and showing them unconditional love and acceptance are keys to helping them become confident and well-adjusted, psychologists say. If your child is procrastinating on homework, don't yell at them, said Stixrud — instead, firmly and lovingly remind them of their responsibilities.
In his book, he offered a one-sentence recommendation: "I love you too much to fight with you about homework." A sentence like that reminds your kid that their schoolwork is important, and they should do it, but your love for them isn't contingent on their academic performance, he wrote.
Maintaining and nurturing your parent-child connection is a more effective way to encourage your child's self-motivation skills than fighting with them, Stixrud said. "[That connection is] really core to helping a child become a decent human being, one who can handle themselves and have confidence in themselves," Klein said in October 2024.
2. Communicate healthy expectations
Demanding that your child earn certain grades and reach certain notable achievements can backfire: Your kid may grow to resent you, or become too much of a mentally unhealthy perfectionist, said Stixrud.
"It's coercive and it's toxic," he added. Instead, make sure your kids understand that you don't define them by their achievements, and that external approval isn't the key to happiness.
"We encourage parents from pretty early on to start talking with kids about what really makes people happy," said Stixrud. "Because it's the relationships and it's the meaningful ... connection with other people. It's the positive emotions. Achievement's part of it, but it's only part of it."
3. Model calm behavior
Plenty of parents worry about their kids' futures, and their anxiety can rub off on their children, hindering their kids' confidence and making them less likely to be self-driven to succeed.
Stixrud's advice: Be a "non-anxious presence for your family." It's easier said than done: Parents are basically biologically wired to worry about their kids. But even if watching your children test the limits of their independence stokes your anxiety, you need to project calmness as much as possible.
"Calm is contagious," Stixrud said. "We all just do the best we can. But, ideally, home feels like a safe base."
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